Chattanooga Gazette

By the end of the third decade of the third millennium, on a Thursday evening, humanity finally surrendered to its own progress and got rid of physical newspapers. The passing away of all newspapers after four centuries of total domination in the proud business of belief spreading was a momentous event in human history that would have hoarded the covers of all newspapers, had there been any newspapers left with covers on which to print the sad news. That wasn't the case anymore because humanity had decided to swap the old way of spreading beliefs in favor of a newer, digital, more exciting, faster and more convenient way to be played for a fool. At the push of a button, or the articulation of a demand, humans now have the most up to date and relevant propaganda on the screen of their phones or shouted at them from a tiny but assertive speaker installed in every living room. On the 1st of May, 2029, the main piece of news that appeared on humanity's phones, or was shouted at them, was that while things are not great, wanting something else is in very bad taste. Variations of that theme were the main news every day.

By the end of the third decade of the third millennium, on a Thursday evening, humanity finally surrendered to its own progress and got rid of all physical newspapers but one. In the woods near Chattanooga there lived a woman who went by the name of Survivor Jo. Jo had lived in the woods for seven years, sharing Nature's beauty, as well as the unavoidable toils and troubles that arise from every attempt to respectfully be part of it, with her many companions of the plant kind and some of the animal one. One of the animals was also of the human kind and went by the name of Handsome Jay. This self assigned moniker of questionable accuracy contrasted with Survivor Jo's nickname, earned after surviving seven years by eating nothing but the few berries and mushrooms she herself foraged, a small amount of vegetables she herself grew, and all the processed foods she could get at a nearby market she herself drove to twice a week. She was truly one with Nature.

Unbeknownst to Survivor Jo, she was the publisher, editor-in-chief and main contributor to the last physical newspaper in the world, the Chattanooga Gazette, with a print run of one. She liked to grab a piece of used paper, handwrite "Chattanooga Gazette" at the top in fancy letters, the date underneath in regular letters and write away the most relevant news, sometimes accompanied by a funny cartoon.

On the one copy of the Chattanooga Gazette of the 1st of May, 2029, the biggest news was "Potatoes Have Surfaced", with a drawing of a little, green bud pushing out of the soil, skywards. Jo had almost given up on those potatoes, for too long of a time had passed after sowing without the little, green buds making an appearance. Happily this time they had just taken an extra week to come out. Excellent news and front page material.

On the side, at 90 degrees from the rest of the page, there's the weather section. It is not a forecast of tomorrow's weather but a lengthy recollection of yesterday's storm, loud and scary, with three paragraphs describing the smell of the aftermath. There is also a detailed map with the location, dimension and review of the closest puddles. About one of them Jo said "BEWARE. This treacherous specimen presents itself as a regular ankle-deep puddle of inviting size and shape, revealing its true depth only when it's too late and you are already soaked to your thighs. AVOID."

Handsome Jay sometimes helped with what he could, which was not much, for he was a simple man constantly betrayed by his many shortcomings. What he lacked in writing talent he compensated with a more than average football ability. He liked going to the nearby town right outside the woods to play a friendly game of football with the local kids. If he won the game that's what the sports section of the Chattanooga Gazette would be about. On the one copy of the 1st of May, 2029, there's a square at the bottom left corner that gives the sports section its own space. Inside the square it says "I won. Or rather we won because football is a team game and either the whole team wins or the whole team loses. Or sometimes it's a draw but there's a penalties shootout to decide a winner because nobody likes a draw. Yesterday we won and there was a storm." Whenever he lost there would be no sports section.

Finally there is a science section with a leading drawing of a ladybug crawling on Jo's hand. The main scientific article was titled "Scientists Discover What Ladybugs Are Made Of". The body of the piece described how a group of scientists from the University of Chattanooga discovered that the skin of a ladybug is made of a complex fiber-like material capable of letting cuteness go in but not out, resulting on ladybugs absorbing all the nice things and expelling all the bad ones, eventually becoming precious beings of pure charm.

August 2020. In a hot bed in a hot room in Tacoronte.